Cloud's Hot, Steamy, Creamy, Vanilla ManCoffee
by Ane the panther
Summary: Here's the real question, can a straight guy, and a girl who doesn't like slash, write a yaoi fic? Let's see. SephirothCloud, Past LeonCloud OOC. Summery inside. WARNING! Do not read if you are easily offended.
1. Chapter 1

Cloud's Hot, Steamy, Creamy, Vanilla Man-Coffee

By BlissfulIgnorence and Squallisawesome

Alright, here's the summery like I promised: Cloud works at Starbucks, and has a crush on Sephiroth. But here's the catch, Cloud only ever sees Seph when he buys his coffee every morning. Then, there's Squall, who dumped Cloud just a little while ago for no apparent reason. But does it have anything to do with Squall's new girlfriend Rinoa?

Chapter 1-

Cloud sighed, as he topped off the frappuccino with whipped cream. It was only six thirty, and he's already been at work for two hours. He was secretly waiting for the short encounter that would make his morning.

Cloud had to admit that he was anxious, Sephiroth hadn't shown up yesterday. What if he was sick? Or what if he had moved? What if Cloud was never going to see him again?

Oops, the blonde looked down to see that during his daydream he had forgotten to stop the whipped cream flow and had spilled whipped cream all over his green apron.

It was then that Squall walked through the door. Cloud noticed and turned red and started clumsily grabbing paper towels and cleaning it after his previous customer left. Squall walked up to him. "You've still got it..." he said to Cloud.

"Oh, shut up," Cloud responded hastily. Squall chuckled. "The usual?" Cloud asked. Squall nodded and sat down to wait

Cloud placed the frappuccino on the counter and began pouring squall Squall's drink, plain black coffee, the way he always had it.

It was easy to see why he dated him. Squall was gorgeous, stylish, generally a nice guy even if he could be a pain in the ass sometimes. He was always very caring and could always tell when something was wrong with someone he cared about.

To say that Squall was gorgeous was an understatement. He had that kind of rough sexy look that Cloud couldn't get enough of. For a while, Cloud was as addicted to Squall as his customers were to caffeine.

And everything seemed to be going fine, too. They had been dating for a little over 4 years and had known each other since their freshman year of high school years ago. But for some reason, Squall just broke up with him one night. Cloud had to admit he was hurt. It had hit him like a kick in the gut. But the worst part was that Cloud didn't even get a reason why. Squall just told him it was over and left.

Just then, a pretty girl with long, glossy, dark brown hair walked through the door.

Unlike Cloud, Squall was bi. The girl that looked a little less than a year younger than Squall walked over toward him and he gave her a greeting kiss. What was this? Was this why Squall dumped him? Had Squall been crushing on this girl before he broke up with Cloud and just dumped him so he could be with her? That must be it. Cloud was irritated by this. Unfortunately, Squall's coffee was ready, so he walked over to the table they were sitting at and put it down in front of his Ex.

"Who's this?" Cloud asked as politely and sincerely interested as he possibly could in his annoyed state.

"Oh, this is Rinoa," Squall said. She waved at Cloud with a smile. Cloud decided he didn't like her. "We've been dating for a few weeks, now." So she was the reason. Cloud decided he _really_ didn't like her.

"Umm... hi," Cloud said. "Pleased to meet you," He was seething. That bitch!

But then he walked through the door. Thank god. Cloud needed something to calm him down, and this guy always seemed to do it.

"Oh, hello sir, the usual?" The blonde said.

Sephiroth sighed. "Please, I just got off a redeye, don't ask me any questions."

"Yes sir!" Cloud quickly took his place behind the counter and began preparing the object of his affection's morning coffee. He added an extra shot of caffeine, and decided to accidentally on purpose forget to charge him for it.

During this Cloud thought a little. He was crushing on this guy before Squall broke up with him. He couldn't be too angry at Squall when he was a bit guilty himself, right?

But that didn't make it ok! Cloud didn't go running off with Sephiroth now that he wasn't with Squall anymore. Cloud had to admit, he also didn't have to nerve to ask the beautiful man to go on a date, but that was another issue entirely.

He handed the sex god his coffee, then gave him his change, getting goosebumps as their hands brushed each other.

"You okay?" the man said, giving Cloud a strange look.

"Yeah, it's just a little chilly and stuff..." Cloud said nervously.

"You're sweating..." the man said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you know..." Cloud then hurried away pretending to do some work and the silver-haired devil left puzzled.

A/N

Now, you may be asking yourself, If they don't like slash, why are they writing this? That's a good question… I may have to ask squallisawesome about that one. This story was born over a very lengthy AIM conversation. I think I started it by mentioning that something he said was not canonical. Well, guess what else isn't canonical? Slash! I basically mentioned the entire basis of this fic as an example of a typical AU yaoi fic. And the idea was born.

Well, I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we would certainly like to know what the typical Slash audience thinks of our little experiment. So, we would much appreciate it if you would review. (I have cookies)


	2. Chapter 2

**Cloud's Hot, Steamy, Creamy, Vanilla Man-Coffee**

By BlissfulIgnorence and Squallisawesome

Chapter 2-

Cloud fished through his backpack for a few minuets before he finally found his key and let himself into his apartment.

"Hey, Butter, I'm home!" Cloud called out into the seemingly empty house.

"Meow," the sound rose out of the darkness. Cloud flicked a light on to reveal a large, fluffy, tawny cat.

"Oh, Butter, I missed you. Give daddy a hug!" Cloud said, scooping the cat into his arms. Butter had been Cloud's constant companion since the blond adopted him during junior year in high school. Squall had never liked him.

Cloud sat down and began stroking his cat's long fur. He thought about his day. Squall and Rinoa had left shortly after Sephiroth. Cloud had finished off his shift, and immediately headed to the coffee shop on the way toward his house, for a cup for himself. He didn't care if it was inconvenient, he just needed some energy and _had_ to get out of that place where so many humiliations had occurred.

Then Cloud went to do a little necessary grocery shopping.

Cloud _knew_ he shouldn't have tried to pet the cat. He knew it. But it was Soooooo cute. "Here, kittykittykitty." It didn't hiss this time, maybe it was finally starting to like him. He reached out and tentatively touched the fur on her back.

"Shit! Oh, Fuck!" Not again!

The damn cat bit him for the millionth time! And it hurt, a lot. Cloud looked down at his hand. Fuck, it was bleeding really badly this time.

So, Cloud dragged his ass back to the supermarket, and bought some bandages. Cloud was just approaching the cash register, when the power went off. 'Fuck,' he thought.

Of course, the cashier was a dumbass high school dropout who didn't know how to make change for a five. So Cloud waited, and waited, and then guided her through some simple math problems, and then handed her a bloody five dollar bill, and by then it was 10 o'clock.

So, finally getting back the apartment meant that he should be getting down to business. Real business that is, none of this coffee crap. Cloud sighed, he really didn't feel in the mood for writing right now, but he forced himself.

Cloud, you see, was a writer. He had yet to get a book published, but he was optimistic about his current work. It was a story he could really identify with. It was a sad tale of a forbidden love, a story of two mercenaries. Cloud had decided to call in Brokeback Midgar.

So, he sat down and wrote late into the night, before he finally dragged himself to bed. He fell asleep with Butter curled up on his chest.

Cloud woke up with a bunch of cat hairs in his mouth, rudely awakened by his alarm.

"Fuck, Butters off!"

Another long, early day…

He made some coffee to wake himself up, got dressed, and went to work.

'Back to the daily grind,' Cloud thought. He hated his job.

Cloud perked up as soon as he saw the object of his affection walk through the door. "Hello sir! How are you this morning?" Cloud said. He was trying to hide his excitement, but failing miserably.

"I'm fine thanks," Sephiroth said, sounding very stressed. "I'll just have the usual today," He said, not waiting for Cloud to ask.

It only took the blonde a few moments to mix up Sephiroth's coffee, and he was handing it to the man in no time.

"Is your hand ok?" Cloud blushed, realizing that he must look very strange with a large bandage wrapped around his hand.

"Oh that, that's nothing, just a scratch." He said, trying to keep his voice steady.

"It doesn't look like a scratch," said Sephiroth. "How did you get it?"

"Umm..." 'Think Cloud think,' he told himself. "I bumped it," by his expression, Sephiroth wasn't buying it. "On a... On a sword, yeah, a sword!"

"You bumped your hand on a sword?"

"My ex-boyfriend collects them." Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.

Cloud immediately shut his mouth. It kinda hurt.

"Well," Sephiroth said. "It looks pretty nasty, you should get it looked at, you wouldn't want it to get infected."

"Oh, I would," Cloud said. "But I don't have any health insurance."

"Well, I'm running late, I'd better get going," Sephiroth said, before briskly leaving the shop.

A/N

-Hello again, It lives! Well, you guys saw a little more CloudSeph interaction in this one. In which we get to see Cloud acting like a teenaged girl with a crush, and Sephiroth gets the wrong impression. We only got 3 reviews last time, so you guys get to share all the cookies.

Yes, incase you smelled something funny we did borrow the bit about Cloud getting bitten by the cat. Some anime I don't watch, I don't remember what it was called. However, I'm too lazy to ask him, and I want to get this up ASAP. So, kudos to anyone who tells me. Thankies!

Oh, I have some questions to answer, don't I?

_UltimateSorceress_- Canonical: The generally accepted plot of the story, ex. Most people would agree that Cloud and Sephiroth didn't go off and roll around in bed together in FF7 (however much you may wish that was true).  
_Chelsea_- Well, they WERE dating, but their over now, and I can assure you they won't be getting back together.

Thanks for reviewing guys!


	3. Chapter 3

Cloud stared dreamily as Sephiroth walked out the door. He was hypnotized; if anything were to touch him or talk to him abruptly he'd be startled nearly to death.

Suddenly, someone touched his shoulder and said "Hey." rather loudly.

"Woahmygod!" Cloud said.

"You gonna keep staring at him or are you going to give me my coffee?" Squall asked.

"What... You? How?" Cloud stammered. "Oh fuck!"

"Thank you." Squall said, knowing that that meant Cloud was going to get to work on his coffee.

"...I used the door..." Squall replied awkwardly

"Oh, I didn't here you come it, you suprised me." said Cloud.

"You surprised me, too. I didn't know you were into those sorts of guys."

"Ahh! I mean, what are you talking about? What sort of guys?"

said Cloud. 'Oh, I'm fucked now,' Cloud thought.

"He looks like a dominatrix..."

"No he doesn't! He looks handsome and sweet and charming and romantic and like a knight in shining silver hair and...! Shit!"

"I knew it," Squall said, grinning. "You should talk to him." Cloud was shocked. "You want to get to know him, don't you?" said Squall.

"Yeah, but what if he doesn't like me?" said Cloud.

"Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?" Squall seemed to eager to get this to happen. What was he thinking?

"Why do you care if I talk to him or not?" said Cloud, getting suspicious.

"Because I want a laugh," Squall said. For some reason this made Cloud want to talk to him even more...

"What the hell are you talking about?" said Cloud. "Why would it be funny?"

"Hmm..." Squall had something up his sleeve. Cloud was suspicious, scared, and kind of eager to find out what. "Meet me at my house after you're done," Squall said. "I have an idea."

"Wait, if you think for one second I'm going to my ex-boyfriend's house..." said Cloud. It wasn't that he didn't trust Squall; it would just be too awkward.

"Fine, your house, then."

"Oh, ok," said Cloud. He didn't see the point in arguing anymore. Damn, Squall could be stubborn when he wanted.

Just then, Squall got a call. He picked up his phone. "Hey. Yeah? Okay..." Squall looked at Cloud again "I gotta go...uhh...I'll meet you at your house tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Alright, fine," said Cloud. He right now he just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

Squall went back to his phone and started walking out the door. "Yeah, I'm on my way. I love you too. Bye."

That last part got Cloud bad.

--------

A/N

So, one of the reviewers of the last chapter was not terribly happy with our little story. Most of what she had to say was pretty irrelevant to the average reader, and I replied to her in private, but she did make a few points that I beleive should be appologized for to everyone. I made a mistake when I said this was a typical yaoi fic. It's not. It _is_ a slightly sarastic fic for both slashfans and nonslashfans alike who are able to laugh at themselves. Make note. I DO NOT HATE PEOPLE WHO WRITE OR READ SLASH. And if this story has offended anyone I am very sorry. So, let it be said, if you are offended easily, don't read this fic. Please. Thank You.

For those of you who enjoy reading this. I have to appologize for the shortness of this chappie. But let this appease you. The next one is already written. I'll post it in a couple days. For reasons that would be too boring to explain, this chapter and the next were originally one, but we decided to split them up. Chapter 4 will be the longest yet!

Thankies, and RandR


	4. Chapter 4

Before growing up and moving out of the house, Cloud had often wondered how he would get himself out of bed in the morning.

In the past, nothing short of his mother dragging him would actually get him to wake up. However, all that worrying was for naught, as Butter the cat was all but too happy to take the job into his own hands, or paws.

So, Cloud woke up on the day of that fateful morning like he did every other morning he was able to sleep in long enough that his cat might get hungry

"Meow!"

"OK Butter, I'm up..."

* * *

Cloud, after feeding Butter, walked into his living room with blurry eyes to see that something was not quite right. Someone was on his couch.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, hi. You wouldn't wake up so I decided to let you sleep," said a voice Cloud could recognize anywhere.

"But why are you in my house?" said Cloud. He decided that he did not like waking up to find his ex-boyfriend sitting on his living room couch.

Squall came over to him and looked at him for a while, as if he were examining him. "Hmm..." he pondered. "Okay, I got it. We got a lot of work to do, though."

Cloud was very scared.

"Umm... do I have to ask again? What are you doing here!?!"

Squall went back to where he was sitting and pulled out a bag. He opened it to reveal a wig, some make-up, a dress...

"We agreed to meet at your house remember?" he said.

"Oh, last night, after..." Cloud went bright red.

"Yes, last night, after you figured out that I figured out your not-so-well-guarded secret." said Squall brightly.

"I hate you," said Cloud.

"Whatever." He reached into the bag.

"Put this on." Squall handed Cloud a purple lacy thong.

"Umm... I think you forgot, but you dumped me. You can't make me satisfy your sexual fetishes anymore," said Cloud.

"You don't have to put it on in front of me. Just put it on."

"Why? Why do I need to put it on at all?" Squall looked at Cloud like he was an idiot.

"So...after walking in with a bag full of women's clothing, make-up, and hair, and asking you to put on a thong, you still don't get it yet?" said Squall, and then at a length, "You're an idiot."

"No. I'm tired."

"Too tired to put this on yourself? Or do I have to get it on for you."

"GET OUT!" said Cloud. It was first thing in the morning. He didn't need this.

"Fine. If you don't wanna talk to that silver-haired beast, I'll just take all this equipment I spent so much time and money getting and leave."

"Wait... Sephiroth...what?" Cloud was thoroughly confused.

"You dress up all sexy-like, talk to Sephiroth, who should be at the coffee shop in...Oh, I'd guess an hour or so, and hopefully you'll get somewhere." Squall was looking very smug.

"Wait, sexy-like… as in, sexy to you... as in, like... a woman. You want me to cross-dress?" Cloud was finally starting to get it.

"...Yes." Squall responded as if that were a really stupid question.

"Why would I have to cross-dress to do _that_? I see Sephiroth four days a week at that place."

"Please. You see him, but don't you want to TALK to him? Maybe actually really get to know him?"

"I'm happy with looking!" Cloud protested. Lamely.

"Really?" asked Squall.

"Well... no." Cloud confessed.

"Then put it on."

"Do I have to?" begged Cloud. It was his last line of resistance, and they both knew it.

"...Only if you want to get to second base, if not, I guess you can just wear the dress." Squall said.

"How would he even be able to tell?"

"Eh, he wouldn't. I just wanted to see you in a thong." Squall admitted.

"Well then, no, I won't put it on." said Cloud.

"No need for this anymore..." Squall pulled a camera out of his jacket pocket and laid it on a table.

"I hate you." Cloud said. He wanted to make sure Squall hadn't forgotten.

"Yeah, yeah..." Squall took out the dress and tossed it to Cloud.

It was a nice dress. It had a very pretty pattern. It was purple. Cloud decided he wanted his curtains that way.

It was also a pretty revealing dress. At least, revealing for a guy.

"It's a very nice dress, but I don't think I can pull off that whole feminine curves thing," said Cloud. "I like the pattern though."

"Well, we're stuffing you, of course," Squall said with a grin.

"It's pointless for me to try and resist this any longer, isn't it?" Cloud guessed.

"Yeah, it is..."

"Ok then. Do your worst."

And that's exactly what he did.

* * *

A/N

As promised, enjoy!

Oh, my goodness, what could Squall be up to? I'll give you a hint. _No proper yaoi fic with Cloud could be without it._

RandR


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